A New Job

After much thought and consideration, I decided to finally post about something that many of you have recently asked me about, something that a few of us have discussed, but something that most of you may not know the answer to . . . that is, the big question, do I plan on going back to work anytime in the near future?

If you would have asked me this question six months ago, I know exactly what I would have told you. Definitely YES, as soon as possible. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't enjoy being with my kids, or that I think there is anything wrong with staying at home because there is NOT. In fact, I agree with the idea that staying at home is often much harder than going to work. But I just simply would have told you that I loved my job in Arkansas and was hoping to find something similar out here, something stimulating and interesting but also family-friendly and flexible. I would have also told you that I have made a lot of good friends at work in years past and was hoping to do the same here. I would have also told you that I was just MEANT to work, that nine years of college, three degrees, and lots of student loans meant that I was supposed to earn my place in the professional world. I would have told you that I was simply not built to stay at home, that I probably wouldn't find peace and satisfaction and joy in doing this, NOT because these things can't be found at home but because this just wasn't who I was. I know this may be hard to understand considering how much I love my children and how much I love being with them, but I guess I just assumed above all that I simply lacked the patience and skill that it requires being at home all day with the kids, trying to create a warm, comfortable, and joyful home. I just didn't think I could it and be happy.

When we got here and did a bit of research, we had a huge awakening when it came to how practical it would be for me to work here right away. First, there was the child care issue. I won't go into all the details, but suffice it to say that there is a huge shortage of good child care options in our area, and the few places around that were decent had long waiting lists and were expensive. In fact, our best option, a local preschool that takes kids full time won't even take them until their two years old, so we quickly figured out that I would be home at least a year until Zander turned two. The second issue was our location. We live about 20 miles from downtown Honolulu, which in rush hour means an hour to an hour and a half commute each way. Unfortunately, all the law firms, courthouses, and government buildings are located downtown, so inevitably I would have to find a job down there which means a hellacious drive every day. And I'm just not up for it. Brian's schedule is much more demanding here, so I would mostly be on my own picking up and dropping off the kids. If I got stuck in traffic on my way home, which I've heard happens pretty frequently, we would consistently be in a tight spot. I'm also not excited at the prospect of the kids being at daycare for that long everyday. Lastly, there is also the issue of the cost of childcare versus average wages here. Needless to say, childcare costs are very high and don't seem to match what I would likely be earning, so basically I would be working simply to pay for daycare, with only a little left over. It just hardly seems worth it. So, all these practical factors combined seemed to suggest that I would have to stay at home, at least for awhile. But, by the time we really figured this all out, my perspective had started to change too, in some pretty significant ways.

First, as most of you know, both my kids spent a great deal of time being sick when they were in daycare. Charley's illnesses were a bit more routine I suppose, although we did suffer through endless ear infections and three sets of tubes in her ears before we moved. And Zander, where do I even start? Zander caught every single bug that ran through daycare, which landed him in the hospital twice before he was even six months old (pneumonia and staff infection). It sort of became a running joke at the daycare, where I begged the daycare workers not to call me unless things were REALLY BAD. Zander's immune system was pretty run down by the time we left, almost to the point that his doctor was considering testing him for an immune deficiency. I know that it's supposed to build up their immune systems and all, and there are a lot of other great things about daycare. But truth be told, I don't miss the doctor visits and hospital stays, the debate in the morning of who is in the best position to take the day off, and how miserable the kids felt. And Zander's immune system has finally recovered. Both kids have been very healthy since we moved here, and we've been loving it. The kids have not been to the doctor for any non-routine visits since we've been here, and for people who had the pediatrician on speed-dial and went to the doctor at least twice a month, this is such a relief.

Second, for once I don't feel like I'm missing out on things . . . you know, all those baby firsts? I was always keeping my fingers crossed hoping that neither child would do anything spectacular at daycare, like roll over or take their first steps, because I didn't want to miss it. Now I get to watch them do everything, and I get to be such a huge part of that every day. I've come to realize that I have the opportunity to witness a very special time in their lives, one that I will never get back. They have both changed so much just in the short time I've been home, much of which I know is just normal growing, but I know a lot of it is because I've been here with them instead of somewhere else. Not only do my kids need as much time as I can give them right now, but I need as much time as they can give me.

Third, simply put, after much thought and many prayers, right now I just want to be at home with the kids. I find myself much more relaxed and not feeling so stretched thin all the time. I don't feel so rushed, like there is always something else I need to be doing. I have tapped into a new level of patience that I never knew was possible for me. I have gotten to know my kids in a way that I did not know I was missing. I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be at this moment in time. Don't get me wrong, as many of you may know, staying at home isn't a big bed of roses all the time. It's exhausting, it's a lot of work, sometimes it's boring, sometimes it's frustrating, and sometimes I feel like I don't have one ounce of patience left at the end of the day. But, like anything, it's a matter of whether the good outweighs the bad, and there is no doubt in my mind that the pros of staying home right now far outweigh the cons.

Of course, it's not like I just magically came to this conclusion and therefore that's just what it is. Throughout this entire thought process, I was trying as best as I could to convey to Brian what I was thinking and feeling. Obviously there are a lot of factors to consider, such as the financial ramifications, social implications for both myself and the kids, and simply my sanity (which Brian is always worried about anyway :)). In the end, however, probably not surprising to anyone, Brian was completely supportive of whatever decision I made. His main concern was that the kids have enough social interaction in their lives, and fortunately, there are a TON of kid-related activities that we can be involved in around here. Already we have participated in swimming lessons for Charley, a baby group for Zander (see my previous post on Baby Hui), and an organized play group at the local community center for both kids. Plus, there are lots of kids in our neighborhood and we have lots of Coast Guard friends with kids, so there is no shortage of options as far as the kid activities go. And as for my own sanity, Brian is awesome about giving me any time I need away from the house and kids, whether that means running to the bookstore by myself or going to the weekly women's Grey's Anatomy nights. So kudos to Brian!

Now I don't want this to come across as my opinion on the working mom versus stay-at-home mom debate, because that is NOT what this is about. Now that I've experienced both worlds, I've had the opportunity to experience the pros and cons of each world, and I still don't think their is a universal right or wrong answer to which is best for every family. Every family is different, and every family has different needs at different times. So, while one option may work for one family, it may not work for another. All I'm saying is that for our family, this is where I need to be right now, at this moment.

And none of this is to suggest that I am definitively saying I will not work for the next four years while we are here. Who knows, maybe if the right opportunity to work presented itself, I might jump on it. Maybe eventually I can find some work to do at home. Or maybe once the kids are both old enough for the two and three day-a-week preschool program (which won't be for another couple years), maybe I could work part time. Or maybe I will eventually find a good job close by (a new courthouse is being built in our town). Who knows what will happen. But for now, just for now, we have decided that I will stay at home with the kids. And, right now, I'm pretty okay with that.

I mean, come on, who wouldn't want to hang out with these two crazy kids?