Taking Inventory (Part II)

As you may recall, a couple weeks ago, I wrote a post about where we are at in our lives as far as the kids go . . . the freedom that we are beginning to experience as they get older. Well, continuing along those same lines, I decided to take inventory on MYSELF, particularly since my life has drastically changed since we first arrived here on the island two years ago. Let me explain.

Take a look at this picture . . . it is a good representation of where I was at exactly two years ago when we arrived on Oahu, both realistically and metaphorically.

I sort of have a disheveled look, a smile on my face, yet you can see the obvious strain of trying to look enthusiastic while holding two unhappy babies, one in each hand. And yes, I mean babies . . . Zander was 11 months old and Charley was two and a half. My shirt is old and clearly too small, my hair is all over the place (yes, it's windy, but my hair would have still been a mess without the wind), and I'm guessing I was probably dazed from a lack of sleep behind those sunglasses since neither child was sleeping very well during the night thanks to a crazy move.

I had just spent the last two years working at a job that I absolutely LOVED, as a law clerk for a judge in Arkansas. At that time, I have to admit that I didn't feel too much guilt about taking both of my babies to daycare for almost ten hours a day, I guess because I had never really imagined a different scenario than that. I had never really considered that there were other options. I always just assumed I would be a working mom, and that's what I was. Before that, I spent nine years in college, earning three degrees and working very hard for those degrees. So, pretty much since the age of 18, I've either been in college full time, worked full time, or have gone to college while working at the same time. And that's just what I did and that's just who I was. Work, work, work, study, study, study. It's not that I never enjoyed myself or never had fun during all that (several of you can attest to that :)), but I definitely never stopped to smell the flowers, so to speak. I was on the go, go, go, and fun came in small spurts for me, as I had very little time to engage in it or figure out what things I enjoyed besides the obvious (i.e. traveling, reading, etc.). I was mostly living in the future, imagining the possibilities, but not really living in the now.

When we arrived here in Hawaii, we fully intended that I would be going back to work as soon as feasibly possible. But as the months ticked by, and after researching our various options, we both came to the conclusion that me working was just not in the cards right now (long story, but just imagine a lack of good childcare, traffic, my potential commute, Brian's crazy and unpredictable schedule, etc.). This decision was not an easy one for us to come to because it wasn't what we planned, but sometimes you have to roll with the punches, right?

I guess I just assumed that I was not well-suited to be a stay-at-home mom, not only because I've always enjoyed working, but also because patience and flexibility (both required for staying sane while staying at home) are not my strong suits. But now I was in a position where I didn't really have much of a choice. So I limped along, with a some good days and a lot of really tough days. But the longer I moved along, the easier it got, and before I knew it, I could no longer imagine being anywhere but at home with the kids.

This process has given me an opportunity to try new things and find out things about myself that I've never known before. It's given me the chance to figure out who "Danielle" is without all the academic reading, paper writing, work schedule, memorizing, researching, and busyness that consumed most or much of my time before. Here are a few things I've come up with so far . . .

1. I really enjoy crossword puzzles. I always thought I hated them because I wasn't any good at them . . . and I'm still not that great at them, I'm totally okay with cheating using Google once in awhile, but I like them. Go figure.

2. I've pretty much allowed myself to become somewhat of a moron. And right now, I'm totally okay with that. I spent so many years studying political science, keeping current on events, and studying the law that I guess I just needed a change of pace, something new to read about. So I am now an EXPERT on Hollywood news/gossip. Ask any of my friends here in Hawaii . . . I know EXACTLY what John Gosselin was doing this weekend. I know, I know, it's complete trash, but it is one of my guilty pleasures. :)

3. I actually really enjoy cooking. Again, I thought I never really enjoyed it, never showed any interest in it (despite the culinary expertise that seems to run in my family, MOM), and thought I would never be any good at it. It turns out that I just never had the TIME to enjoy it, appreciate it, experience it. I'm still no Martha Stewart, and I still hate cleaning up the mess, but I enjoy the process and have recently stocked my shelves with a whole lot of Pampered Chef products (thanks Andre).

4. I really do not enjoy shopping too much, unless I'm buying stuff for my kids. For years I enjoyed perusing malls and stores, never really able to buy a whole lot, but always liked the process. Not so much anymore . . . I guess I've become too practical. I shop more out of necessity, not so much out of want.

5. I love, love, love bookstores. I could easily spend an entire day in the bookstore, just looking at titles, reading summaries, and fingering the pages. In my previous stages of life, I was always so busy reading my assigned readings that I didn't have a lot of time to do pleasure reading. But now that I have the time, I have an insatiable appetite for reading.

6. Because of #5, I actually joined a book club last year (which is something new for me) and decided to start my own book club this year. In fact, we have our first meeting in just a couple weeks, and I'm excited and surprised by the interest others have shown in being part of the group. Yeaaaaa, can't wait!

7. I no longer feel guilty for taking "me" time. I used to feel like going to work WAS my "me" time (even though I was working), and there wasn't enough time in my off time to do things by myself or with my friends. But now that I don't have many other outlets when I'm at home, this "me" time has become essential to my sanity. And thanks to a wonderful husband who takes the kids off my hands whenever needed, and also a handful of awesome friends that are kind enough to hang out with me, I get quite a bit of time for myself, and am so much more content because of that.

8. Right now, my time is way more valuable to this family than my earning capacity. My kids seem happy and take joy in the small things, I have time to cook dinner every night and am able to keep the house somewhat clean, and I can get most errands done during the day so that our evenings and weekends with Brian can simply be spent doing fun stuff, not the errands. The kids have been healthier than they ever have been before. I have experienced all the major milestones the last couple years, and I don't feel too stretched thin anymore. It's all pretty priceless.

9. Despite my previous beliefs, I think I AM able to be a decent stay-at-home mom. Of course there is always room for improvement . . . always . . . but I like to think I've learned a lot more patience in the last couple years, I've learned to be a bit more flexible than I used to be (although I still like to plan and organize, that will never change :)), I've learned to fill our days with fun activities, learning activities, loud activities, and quiet activities, and I've learned to enjoy the small things. I've come to believe that I CAN do this and will enjoy it too.

10. Perhaps most important, I've learned that I LOVE being at home with the kids right now. It was not what I planned, it was not what I expected, but it's turned out to be one the biggest blessings I've ever experienced. It's a small window, a mere four years, and I know that it will probably not continue after we leave here, but for now I'm savoring every moment. For the first time in a long time, perhaps for the first time ever, I can say that I'm truly content and am not dreaming of somewhere else I would rather be.

If you read all that, thanks for indulging me. :)